On Friday night I went dancing with a girlfriend. It was what we call a “California Mix”: they played music for a combination of dance styles, including ballroom, swing, and Latin. Both of us have been away from dancing for a few months, so we were both kind of nervous about how rusty we are.
We both had a good time, my friend and I; the music was good, there was a nice ratio of leaders to followers, and we both got to dance a lot.
There are just a few little, tiny, teensy-weensy things I’d like to say to a few of the people I danced with last night. I say these things with all love, but I think if you heed the advice that follows, we’ll all have a much better time:
1. Please, please, PLEASE don’t tell me, when you ask me to dance, that we’re going to “improvise”. I’m nervous enough as it is, about my dancing skills – being one of the only 4 dancers out on that huge floor and having to do some equivalent of modern dance while there makes me just a leetle self-conscious. I like steps, I like structure. I do not like improvising, Sam I Am.
2. If you lift me off my feet again, I have to warn you – I might stab you with my car key. I apologize ahead of time if I do this. but it’s really more of an impulse – an automatic reaction I have to the likelihood of being dropped on my ass. Or better yet, my head.
3. I don’t do death drops. You can argue with me all you want, but that one’s pretty much set in stone. What’s a death drop, you ask? This is a death drop. Simply put, if done wrong, it can result in serious head trauma for the person being dropped. It’s one of my three rules: I don’t give my social security number out, I don’t drive without a seatbelt, and I don’t do death drops with strangers. It’s all about the safety, folks.
4. If you ask me to dance, and I say yes, and we then begin to dance, it’s probably safe to assume that I: A) know how to do the dance, and B) will not appreciate being “taught” the dance by my partner while on the dance floor. I can be forgetful sometimes, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t sign up for a dance lesson from you. Here’s a little tip: If you are unsure about whether I can do the dance, you could always ask me. There, now I’ve saved you from eventual stabbing from some girl who’s not as patient as I am. What can I say, I’m a giver.
5. If you enter a dance competition, it’d be terrific if you knew the dance we’re supposed to be doing. Your partner will appreciate it, I’m sure. I know I would have.
6. Oh, random old guy – you’re very sweet, and doubtless a delight to talk to, but if you insist on attending these dances, perhaps a few lessons would be in order? That way, when you ask a girl to dance, and she asks if you know the dance being done, you can say, “Yes, yes I do!” instead of “Oh, we’ll think of something!” No, no we won’t. Except maybe where we could hide the body.
I hope these guidelines help you the next time you go out dancing. I really do want to dance with you. Really, I swear. But for safety’s sake (yours, not mine) you might want to take a few (or all) of these helpful hints to heart.
God, I need a drink.
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